61 replies to this topic

[violetsun]

Got in a big fight with my boyfriend today. He did not get the job in Boston he so desperately wanted. At the same time he's been possibly offered an interview back in Ohio.

The last time this happened he rejected the offer and didn't tell me until months after the fact. For a 50k/year job.

This led to all sorts of fighting about us not actually being together, him being scared, him telling me that he's not sure he can do this (even though HE had to convince ME to before the relationship even started--I was INCREDIBLY cold-footed about the entire thing as I do not usually and had never even considered distance).

Basically I got all mad because he dragged me kicking and screaming into loving him and is now bitching and moaning about us being apart.

There is a very real chance of him getting a job here still, but he has to apply to some places first. We were both devastated by the rejection, we've spent a ton of money flying back and forth, etc.

Does anyone have any advice?

[Scot]

LDR are a bad idea. End it now

[violetsun]

LDR are a bad idea. End it now

I would agree with you if it weren't for the original plan being 'we see each other every 2 weeks, then he moves out here' Now it seems like that might not happen.

[Scot]

The longer one drags on, the probability of it failing approaches 1

[violetsun]

The longer one drags on, the probability of it failing approaches 1

I'm really hoping you are wrong but am starting to believe that as well We originally met on a writing site a long ass time ago and later met in person a bunch of times and after that we started dating, he USED to live around here but moved away when he was 16. The move isn't necessarily about me.

[Josh]

Well, I'm not just going to make a blanket statement and say long distance relationships are bad because that's simply unreasonable. However, being a United States sailor, I have a pretty good authority on them All I can say is that distance is a really big test for a relationship. From what I see, in most cases it fails miserably. However, me and my wife did it (as in before we were married) and continue to do it for months at a time, and quite successfully I might add. It just depends on what the relationship is built on.

[Tokio]

From what I see, in most cases it fails miserably. However, me and my wife did it (as in before we were married) and continue to do it for months at a time, and quite successfully I might add. It just depends on what the relationship is built on.

This is really the deciding factor, I've done LDR before and had them fail. But again, my attachment to those guys wasn't anything amazing. Now, I've been seeing the same guy for 3 years and for the past 2 it has been a LDR, since he has been going to school on the east coast of USA. We visit back and forth every 2 months+, and are totally fine and happy. The distance hasn't caused any issues at all, we don't fight over it, probably because we trust each other a lot and have a long term plan. But like Josh said, it really depends what the relationship is built on :x It requires a lot of trust to keep it up, among other things

[ShadowLink64]

LDR = fail. Personal experience. I'll never do another one again if I can help it.

[Sweeney]

I'll let you know in 12 months.

[Alodielle]

In my experience, LDRs only work when there's an end to look forward to. You must have a semi-solid expiration date for the LD part. Without it, it's like treading water with no land in sight: eventually, you're going to exhaust yourself and drown.

[Georgina]

Hmm I think it depends on many things in all honesty.

LDR' can and have worked for many, but often depend on many factors, like exactly how far of a distance, the overall relationship quality, yours/their priorities, and the amount of commitment you and your partner are willing to give.

I have been in a relationship that was semi long distance, 2 hour trip to see each other, but eventually he moved down here, and we lived together, after about 2 years ish of travelling.

At the end of the day if you need to stay in a particular city for work or school reasons, and you aren't able to get the same schooling or pay elsewhere then the other person is going to have to be willing to up sticks and move. Or again, if not too much of a distance maybe meet in the middle.

I wouldn't say long distance is any good at all for people who aren't looking to settle down and move in with someone, maybe younger people or people with limited funds will always find that it wont work.

But then again, if you really love someone, then maybe sacrifices need to be made in some other areas of your life too?

[Frizzle]

Buy a vibrator and get used to lack of sex.

[Elle]

Buy a vibrator and get used to lack of sex.

Speaking from experience?

[Nymh]

I'll let you know in 12 months.

^This.

In a thread where people are posting with respect to their own subjective experiences, I feel it necessary to point out that no form of relationship is destined for failure simply because of the form. The people involved and their dedication, understanding, trust, patience, and love for each other determine whether it will work. Sure certain types of relationships are harder, and LDR's may or may not be one of the hardest types (I don't know), but just because it's difficult sometimes doesn't mean it won't work.

I also agree with what Alodielle said. Goals and timelines can make it a lot easier to cope with.

[Mishelle]

I feel that LDRs can work as long as you're serious about it. I was in a LDR and it didn't work out because I was too young and the relationship wasn't that serious. If he's keeping things from you then the relationship isn't going to work, tell him to be honest and open with you so you can find out what his priorities are. Is he waiting for a better paying job or is he just afraid of jumping in and making the commitment?

[Veridia]

I was in a LDR with my ex boyfriend for almost a year before we decided that he should move in with me, so I wouldn't say long distance relationships aren't going to work by default, but I agree with Mishelle - if he's keeping things from you, it probably won't work

[Equi]

i think it's completely dependent on the people involved. i had a 4 year relationship with my ex, the latter half of which was long distance and it didn't work for me, since we eventually just stopped talking to each other over time. but i ended up getting into another long distance relationship which i think is going a lot better. hopefully it stays that way... i really hate breaking up even if i'm the one initiating it. i'm still not completely over the first break up even though it's been over a year and a half =(

Edited by Equi, 01 September 2012 - 10:11 AM.

[ae19]

I have no personal experience with long distance relationships, but I wouldn't even begin to consider one unless the person I was with was so absolutely, mind-bogglingly, amazingly spectacular that I was fairly certain I'd want to marry him, and there were no other options. Then I would give it a shot. Even then, I might think of breaking it off but staying friends in hopes that our paths cross again would be a better option.

From your description of your relationship, it's probably not going to work.

[ShadowLink64]

I feel that LDRs can work as long as you're serious about it. I was in a LDR and it didn't work out because I was too young and the relationship wasn't that serious.

I feel this is what may have happened in my case too. College is a horrible time for LDRs I find, because you never know where things will take you and it just causes tension. Most people are busy during college, so putting a serious commitment in is hard, unless you undenyingly love the person to death. But, if you're older (and assumingly more mature) and have more resources to your disposal, I think LDRs have a better chance at succeeding.

[Croc]

I'm a junior in college and my partner and I were in a LDR for nearly a year before living together. The biggest thing was WANTING it to work out and communicating and talking about everything, really, even the minute things. Feelings can be hypersensitive when things are long distance and much harder, so you have to really work at it to make things good. I really think the biggest thing for us was just trying to talk a lot and set time aside (on skype or facetime, whatever), regardless of how busy we were, for each other, even if we couldn't be physically together.

-edit

and I also don't think it is fair to assume a relationship can't work out simply because it's long distance. You get what you put into it, really.

Edited by Croc, 01 September 2012 - 01:22 PM.

[Frizzle]

Speaking from experience?

If you're not having sex everyday, then you're having a lack of sex.

[Boggart]

I know of a few members who actually met here (obviously long distance) and I believe they're still together it's all about certain factors.

I was sorta in one, and that ended... suddenly. Let's just say that.

It's more about whether you two can ACTUALLY change your lives (either one of you moving, or both, etc.). If that's not possible, you're doomed to fail. Meeting up every so often will not end well, sorry. But if either of you are willing to move and it's actually viable (e.g. going to school in that area, finding a job there, etc.) then yes, it can work. but it will be hard.

You are risking a lot by holding out as well. But if you think he/she is worth it... as long as you're sure, then I say go for it. Just be realistic.

[Applepi]

I did long distance with my current boyfriend and we survived. He used to go to school on the east coast while I was in the midwest. Now we're both closer to each other but yet still over an hour apart so we can't see each other every day. I think the most important thing in making LDRs work is communication. You both need to talk to each other about what you need from each other while you're apart and where things are headed. If you can't have these conversations without fights or arguments, I have a hard time believing it would work. At the same time, if you both have your hearts set on making things work, they definitely can!

[Scot]

I'm really hoping you are wrong but am starting to believe that as well We originally met on a writing site a long ass time ago and later met in person a bunch of times and after that we started dating, he USED to live around here but moved away when he was 16. The move isn't necessarily about me.

Lock that cock down before it finds another henhouse

[luvsmyncis]

Lock that cock down before it finds another henhouse

Or chop it's head off so it will stop waking you up at 6am going cock-a-doodle-doo.