26 replies to this topic

[Nanarie]

I've been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for a little over three years now, and I'm always getting asked/told that I should consider dating other people to "broaden my horizons". I can understand people's concerns since we're both fairly young (I'm a senior in high school, he's a freshman in college), but at the same time... I've known people that have broken off good, stable relationships for the sake of seeing what else is out there.

So, my question is this: Do you think that this kind of dating advice holds any merit?

[Scot]

Yes see other people

[Frank274]

Damnit Scot. I was trying to redirect her to http://www.neocodex....ave-experience/ before someone had the chance of saying the same thing that has already been said.

[Nanarie]

I've seen that thread ^^ From what I gathered it's a discussion on whether or not an LDR can work? But what I mean is, regardless of it being long distance or not, does anyone believe in following this advice.
...and clearly Scot does

[Nymh]

Damnit Scot. I was trying to redirect her to http://www.neocodex....ave-experience/ before someone had the chance of saying the same thing that has already been said.

The premise of this thread is different than that one. Really, this is a 17-18 year old asking if she should settle down with a guy now.

No one can give you the right answer to that, Nanarie.

In hindsight, I wish that I wasn't as serious about relationships as I was when I was younger. I had no concept of what I wanted in a man, and I just in the last couple of years have begun to understand what it really means when people say things like that. There is a looot more to a relationship than what you see on the surface, and it's these things that you never really call into question until you have had the experience to see them from multiple angles. OR, when you have spent years being unhappy in a relationship because you didn't have a mature understanding of yourself or your partner, and then as the years go by you come around to (painfully) realize that the two of you were never really compatible to begin with.

Blah blah blah

In short, yes, I believe that type of advice does have merit.

[Waser Lave]

I personally think that college (university) is, formatively, a very important part of a person's life so you should take any opportunities you can to expand your horizons during those few short years (you probably won't get much chance after that).

[Adam]

This is coming from experience with a long distance relationship, grant it my situation was slightly different being in the Air Force and all. You may like this person, you may even love this person but being in a long distance relationship is an extremely hard situation to handle. There's always the thought of the other person cheating on you and doing things behind your back that bothered me. You're only young for so long and there's nothing wrong with playing the field a little bit. There's someone out there for everyone, and hopefully that person isn't a long distance away from you.

[NapisaurusRex]

There's always the thought of the other person cheating on you and doing things behind your back that bothered me. You're only young for so long and there's nothing wrong with playing the field a little bit.

Meh. Some people will cheat on you even if they live with you. They don't have to be far away for that.

I was a selfish whore up until like 3 years ago and now I kinda wish I settled down and didn't see as many people. While I feel like it helped my people skills immensely, I feel like it's a little dark cloud people see instead of me that I couldn't get away from without physically moving away.

[Yung]

In hindsight, I wish that I wasn't as serious about relationships as I was when I was younger. I had no concept of what I wanted in a man, and I just in the last couple of years have begun to understand what it really means when people say things like that. There is a looot more to a relationship than what you see on the surface, and it's these things that you never really call into question until you have had the experience to see them from multiple angles. OR, when you have spent years being unhappy in a relationship because you didn't have a mature understanding of yourself or your partner, and then as the years go by you come around to (painfully) realize that the two of you were never really compatible to begin with.

You do realize that without having the experience of those bad/serious relationships in your past that you would have never learned in a mature manner what it is that you do want? This is a classic trial and error that everyone should go through. After being burned by a loved one and moving on you can treat your future spouses much better because you know what it means to have been burned and take care not to do that to them.

Make sense?

[Nanarie]

Thanks everyone for your replies
Speaking of university, my bf always talks about me going to a college close to his so we can move in together. It makes me feel a little pressured, and all my dream schools are even farther than my house is from him now, but I don't think I would choose a uni close to him just because of that.

That aside, I'm actually very happy with him, but it's true that I might not know exactly what I want. I just don't want to throw away a good relationship for a chance of a potentially better one, I guess.

[NapisaurusRex]

Thanks everyone for your replies
Speaking of university, my bf always talks about me going to a college close to his so we can move in together. It makes me feel a little pressured, and all my dream schools are even farther than my house is from him now, but I don't think I would choose a uni close to him just because of that.

That aside, I'm actually very happy with him, but it's true that I might not know exactly what I want. I just don't want to throw away a good relationship for a chance of a potentially better one, I guess.

I think that's how you should make your decision then. It shouldn't be about throwing away relationships for other potential relationships, but you shouldn't feel pressured at all. It's ok to decide to move further away. It's ok to decide to move closer to him. You should do what's best for you and your future, whether he's in it or not. You have the rest of your life where you'll have to sacrifice for other people, whether it's kids or a career or whatever.

[Nymh]

You do realize that without having the experience of those bad/serious relationships in your past that you would have never learned in a mature manner what it is that you do want? This is a classic trial and error that everyone should go through. After being burned by a loved one and moving on you can treat your future spouses much better because you know what it means to have been burned and take care not to do that to them.

Make sense?

... I'm pretty sure you just reiterated exactly what I just said, but in a way that makes it look like you don't understand what I said.

[Junsu]

Thanks everyone for your replies
Speaking of university, my bf always talks about me going to a college close to his so we can move in together. It makes me feel a little pressured, and all my dream schools are even farther than my house is from him now, but I don't think I would choose a uni close to him just because of that.

That aside, I'm actually very happy with him, but it's true that I might not know exactly what I want. I just don't want to throw away a good relationship for a chance of a potentially better one, I guess.

Never limit your education because of your boyfriend. I'm going to assume that you're smarter than him/will go to a better school. Trust me, there'll be plenty of guys there. Unless you go to a liberal arts school, but there are still quite a bunch.

[NapisaurusRex]

Never limit your education because of your boyfriend. I'm going to assume that you're smarter than him/will go to a better school. Trust me, there'll be plenty of guys there. Unless you go to a liberal arts school, but there are still quite a bunch.

I was also assuming that you are smarter/going to a better school, but even if you aren't, the schools you chose are still your dream schools. If you and your boyfriend are choosing to love each other and be with each other, then you'll choose to make it work anyway.

[Nanarie]

Ahaha I actually am smarter than him ^^; I'm flattered that you guys would assume that, whatever the reason is.
I don't mean to put myself on a pedestal or something but I guess I'm a pretty self-sacrificing person. I'm stuck between what I want, what my bf wants, and what my family wants (about both college and relationships), so I feel like I have a difficult decision to make.

[Yung]

... I'm pretty sure you just reiterated exactly what I just said, but in a way that makes it look like you don't understand what I said.

I was actually just trying to further support what you were saying by showing my understanding of it... whatever though.

[Nanarie]

Old man talking.

I see the other side of this thing, I saw, I am still seeing, the unhappy divorced men and women whom believe they sacrificed their career, education, dreams to be with "THEM". I also have seem a couple that believe they sacrificed their "THEM" for their dream.

Will you never resent your boyfriend for limiting your career potential, limiting your dream?

Ahem, also and this might be stereotyping, but will your parents ever, and I mean EVER forgive him for limiting their daughter's career potential. It ca be done, I forsake most of my family to be with my beloved, but I'll not lie and say they ever forgave me. Of course, the ones worth my respect understood, but it was hard to turn away from most of them.

Because I'm afraid that I'll resent him is why I don't think I'll choose my college based on his desire to live together with me. I'm a very ambitious person so I don't think my parents ever considered that I would consider choosing him over a career opportunity (which, like I said, I'm sometimes torn over), but they probably wouldn't forgive that.

[Nymh]

I was actually just trying to further support what you were saying by showing my understanding of it... whatever though.

Ok, it really didn't look that way, sorry.

Nanarie, it sounds like you have a good solid head on your shoulders. What he is asking of you is a big deal. I am the same ambitious-but-also-self-sacrificing type of person, I just hope that you stand up for your own desires and goals better than I did. I'll probably never forgive myself for dropping out of college the first go around, to make life easier (which means that I had a boyfriend who was still in high school and it was hard to keep him happy because he was a needy drama queen).

(He's gay now, coincidentally.)

[Nanarie]

Ah, thanks to both of you for your kindness ^^
I think that he would understand my career aspirations, though sometimes he gets depressed about it. He has a dream career that would make spending time together hard too, though, so it'd be unfair if he tried to limit my goals. Drawing from everyone's posts, I guess the best idea would be to wait and see where college will take me.

And Nymh... wow. That turned out badly o-o! Really sorry to hear that.

[Josh]

I personally think that college (university) is, formatively, a very important part of a person's life so you should take any opportunities you can to expand your horizons during those few short years (you probably won't get much chance after that).

Not all of us have that luxury

Anyways, I knew my wife was the woman God wanted me to be with, and looking back I'm glad I didn't listen to the peer pressure of "trying more than one flavor of ice cream." If he's the one for you, then I would suggest staying with him and not throwing away a good relationship because of peer pressure.

Edited by Josh, 04 September 2012 - 06:41 PM.

[luvsmyncis]

On the other hand, don't be afraid to be loyal to him if he's good for you. I have been with my boyfriend for over 8 years. Things started out slowly, and we've had our arguments here and there, but in the end, he is someone I love and I wouldn't want to be without him. I can honestly say I have no interest in 'seeing what's out there'. I have all I want or need.

Lucky for me, he's really pretty. So that always helps.

[Nanarie]

Sorry for the late reply, had to go to bed because of school the next day >_>
I'm glad you two found your perfect matches Hopefully my boyfriend will turn out to be mine, or I'll find someone that is.

And my bf is also a pretty boy and super cute, hehe. Even though he doesn't like me saying that.

[LeiLani]

I think that advice depends on the person.

Does it hold some merit? To a point, I guess.

Personally, I HATED it when my friends suggested I see other people because I saw my current boyfriend every one-two months for the past three years.

We're not even long distance--he lives about 15 minutes away from me and we go to different schools; I'm just not allowed to date.

But from what I've seen, long distance relationships are more likely to fail if both people 'aren't on the same page', like if the girlfriend cares about a social life more than the guy does, or the guy is more interested in partying than the girl does, etc. Although two people can have different interests, sometimes its the things that they love that tear them apart because they don't want to have to 'change' to make the other person happy. I think it's more about situations that involve trust, such as hanging out with a male/female best friend or going to a club. Which is probably why long-distance relationships don't really work out when viewed overall. o;

So I guess, yes, that advice could work if one or both partners aren't ready to settle down yet.

Personally, I wouldn't want to see what else is out there.
1) I might not find someone as stable and who knows what they already want.
2) It takes a long time for me to trust someone, and so I'd want to have a long-term relationship, and not everyone wants that.
3) I really don't like getting to know people on a more-than-friends level, too much work LMAO.



tl; dr Yes if you want to explore, no if you don't.