123 replies to this topic

[Waser Lave]

I absolutely did not mean to sound like I thought that that's all it is lol. I'm having trouble defining what emotionally cheating in words would be.

 

I would class emotional cheating as falling in love with somebody else but without the physical intimacy which you'd normally expect to be involved.

[luvsmyncis]

I found a cheese I like quite early. This cheese told me yesterday that it's mine as long as I want it. What do I want other cheese for when I got such a good cheese? This cheese also lets me put it in various submission holds and will bring me a beer so I don't have to get out of bed. Getting involved with other cheese would change the dynamic of what I've got going on with my cheese, and I love the cheese I got, so I'm pretty much not interested in other cheeses.

[Boggart]

Or spend the rest of their life with them...


Cultivating a romantic relationship with someone other than your partner, in a supposedly monogamous relationship.

So is it simply about intentions?

I would class emotional cheating as falling in love with somebody else but without the physical intimacy which you'd normally expect to be involved.

See above

I found a cheese I like quite early. This cheese told me yesterday that it's mine as long as I want it. What do I want other cheese for when I got such a good cheese? This cheese also lets me put it in various submission holds and will bring me a beer so I don't have to get out of bed. Getting involved with other cheese would change the dynamic of what I've got going on with my cheese, and I love the cheese I got, so I'm pretty much not interested in other cheeses.

some cheeses make me gassy

[Waser Lave]

So is it simply about intentions?

 

I'm not sure what you mean. You can fall in love with somebody else without intending to do it...sometimes it just happens but it would still technically be 'emotional cheating' if you've previously promised to love your partner exclusively.

 

I found a cheese I like quite early. This cheese told me yesterday that it's mine as long as I want it. What do I want other cheese for when I got such a good cheese? This cheese also lets me put it in various submission holds and will bring me a beer so I don't have to get out of bed. Getting involved with other cheese would change the dynamic of what I've got going on with my cheese, and I love the cheese I got, so I'm pretty much not interested in other cheeses.

 

Sounds like some fine cheese you've got there.

[Boggart]

I'm not sure what you mean. You can fall in love with somebody else without intending to do it...sometimes it just happens but it would still technically be 'emotional cheating' if you've previously promised to love your partner exclusively.

that makes sense. But if you accidentally fall in love with someone can you blame that person? You don't exactly choose who you fall in love with. Or is it then your job to disengage from that person if that happens.

Or it should never reach that point since it should take a lot to fall in love with someone.

 

I dunno, my genuine love for food makes me not know what love is <3 Poutine

[Ali]

I dunno, my genuine love for food makes me not know what love is <3 Poutine

I love food more than my husband. For sure.

[Waser Lave]

that makes sense. But if you accidentally fall in love with someone can you blame that person? You don't exactly choose who you fall in love with. Or is it then your job to disengage from that person if that happens.

Or it should never reach that point since it should take a lot to fall in love with someone.

 

I didn't mention anything about blame on purpose. The heart wants what it wants, if you fall in love with somebody else then you've got a tough decision to make even though there's no fault involved. Which is exactly why open relationships wouldn't work for me, I'd no doubt end up falling for somebody completely if I had a connection with them strong enough to want to have sex with them because, as I said earlier, I can't really detach sex from emotion...

[Ali]

I didn't mention anything about blame on purpose. The heart wants what it wants, if you fall in love with somebody else then you've got a tough decision to make even though there's no fault involved. Which is exactly why open relationships wouldn't work for me, I'd no doubt end up falling for somebody completely if I had a connection with them strong enough to want to have sex with them because, as I said earlier, I can't really detach sex from emotion...

BUT YOU'RE A ROBOT.

[Waser Lave]

BUT YOU'RE A ROBOT.

 

Or not. Allegedly.

[Ali]

Or not. Allegedly.

....*looks suspicious*

 

I don't know, I barely register emotions, I'm dead inside and very pleasant it is too.

[Sweeney]

So is it simply about intentions?

Sort of. Like LW said, you can have an attraction to someone without intentionally doing so (actually, aren't all attractions unintentional?), but it's the choosing to act on it that is what makes it cheating.
Even if it doesn't wind up in a physical encounter.

[Waser Lave]

....*looks suspicious*

 

I don't know, I barely register emotions, I'm dead inside and very pleasant it is too.

 

Not sure why you're suspicious. I have very little empathy but love and pain I can do perfectly fine, unfortunately (usually in that order).

[Ali]

Not sure why you're suspicious. I have very little empathy but love and pain I can do perfectly fine, unfortunately (usually in that order).

Because I don't know if you're a robot or not...

 

I do a good line in misery and that's about it.

 

Don't get the sex and emotion thing at all.

[Waser Lave]

Because I don't know if you're a robot or not...

 

I do a good line in misery and that's about it.

 

Don't get the sex and emotion thing at all.

 

Pretty sure I've never claimed to be a robot. Still not massively sure where that rumour came from...I just don't tend to broadcast my feelings.

[Ali]

Pretty sure I've never claimed to be a robot. Still not massively sure where that rumour came from...I just don't tend to broadcast my feelings.

Until there's whisky involved.

[Waser Lave]

Until there's whisky involved.

 

Hmm. Yeah...whisky can cause me to say things which I otherwise wouldn't want to out of sober choice. I'm solving that by trying to avoid whisky.

[Elindoril]

I must be a boring ol' Christian for enjoying my monogamous relationship.

Healthy or not I have no desire to have any wet weekends.

[Emily]

I wouldn't be able to do it. It would be too jealous and it wouldn't end well. Actually, it wouldn't even start because if a guy is even bringing it up, then he's probably not worth my time. 

[Tetiel]

For the record, it is not insane for a man not to want to bring another woman into the relationship. I would probably never have a threesome, myself. It's not that there's a jealousy issue, it's that I always want to focus on pleasing my partner. I know it would be damned difficult for me to change focus to another person because I would feel like I was neglecting the one. It is up to the individual. Contrary to popular opinion, it is absolutely not every guy's dream to see their girl with another girl.

In relationships I often am what I consider fiercely monogamous. I give everything of myself to that other person and I will protect that. I get very upset when people do anything to threaten that bond. It's not a possessiveness on my part, I believe it is instead an affront to my partner that they would dare try. Yet I have had wandering eyes before. Many times. I never acted on any of it, but over time, I learned that this was an indicator that something was really wrong in the relationship. I tend to hold people on a pedestal and love them even if they aren't meeting my needs even remotely. I forgive their transgressions to the point that it's detrimental so I refuse to see that a relationship is failing. So when I start desiring the attentions of others... I know there is something very, very wrong. And that's not their problem. It's mine and it's something I work on every day.

I have also been in relationships where quite frankly, we were sexually incompatible. It sucks. I honestly thought up to about a year and a half ago that I had an idealized version of what sex was in my head, that forever reason, I wanted it, but it didn't feel as good as I thought it would. In the relationship which changed that, I never once needed anyone else. While there were things that I wanted that he wasn't capable of to the best of my knowledge, I was happy. Very happy. 

But things happened between us, some things that were situational, out of our control. He broke it off because he said he couldn't love me like I deserved. So we went our separate ways to try to find other people. But with every person I saw, nobody was quite like him - I even dated someone that was similar to him in a lot of ways, but it was a cheap imitation. And he went on dates or hung out with a few women, but eventually he realized that for him, there was nobody like me. So he thought he wanted more. We dated other people. And now recently we're back together because he realized what he actually had. He grew; I grew. And while it wasn't an open relationship, we weren't together, that time with other people helped us recognized what we loved about each other.

So no, I'm not directly opposed to an open relationship. I think as long as you trust each other and feel secure that in the end, you will always go home to each other, that you may appreciate each other more. But would I want one? No, but I would rather have an open relationship with trust than lose the relationship all together because I wouldn't bend. And maybe one day, I'd need it, too. 

[NapisaurusRex]

But if the emotions is the reason why "cheating is wrong" then why is okay to "emotionally cheat" on your partner? In the sense that you depend on other people for other things and some people have like "work husbands/wives" or where they talk to their best friends because their partner can't satisfy them emotionally?

Unless the emotions behind sex is something that can only be achieved through sex alone and that other stuff is completely different.

It's not ok. I think the issue is that a lot of people don't realize that they are having an emotional affair until it's too late or they don't want to classify it as that.

 

that makes sense. But if you accidentally fall in love with someone can you blame that person? You don't exactly choose who you fall in love with. Or is it then your job to disengage from that person if that happens.

Or it should never reach that point since it should take a lot to fall in love with someone.

 

I dunno, my genuine love for food makes me not know what love is <3 Poutine

Is there anyone to blame in love? I believe that sometimes you do choose who you fall in love with... by having an emotional affair. You can choose to invest time and energy in your partner, or you can choose to invest it in someone else. And if you choose to invest it in someone else, then there's a chance you'll fall in love with them instead of your partner, or in addition to. It is your job to decide who you want or what's the best option in your life, because it's YOUR life. Whether it *should* never reach that point is also up to you.

 

 

I've been in both, open relationships and monogamous ones. I prefer monogamous ones by a long shot, open relationships are too much work and effort for me personally. I'd rather love one person fiercely and intimately than have to break up my love over multiple people.

[Mishelle]

I think it's possible for them to work. I also have a friend who's been married to his partner for years and they have an open marriage. I think some people just weren't meant to be monogamous and if everyone is ok with the idea then so be it. 

[Boggart]

I don't understand the idea of an open relationship because that just means I'll be sexually disappointing more than one person

[luvsmyncis]

I don't understand the idea of an open relationship because that just means I'll be sexually disappointing more than one person

 

Yeah, I imagine you'd have to be somewhat decent at doing the deed for this type of activity. Unless you get off on disappointing people like I get off on being withholding.

[Metigue]

Did any of you watch my video? I linked to Dan Savage. He's been in a succesful open relationship for 15+ years with his life partner. He has some pretty convincing arguments against monogamy. Namely that monogamy is HARD and we're treated like shit when it fails, if you're with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and you give in to your natural urges, you are going to lose that person from your life. Which is ridiculous, just because you have sex with someone doesn't mean you have feelings for them, it simply means you found them attractive.

 

He says a lot of this much better than I can, youtube him.

[Frizzle]

I don't understand the idea of an open relationship because that just means I'll be sexually disappointing more than one person

You have to be able to disappoint one person first....