Have a choice to make, and I'm no longer certain what is "right" for me.
25 days (and counting) ago I quit smoking marijuana. This decision was based 90% on... well, I did it for someone I cared for and about 10% for myself.
Since then it's become more about me. Almost 95%. (That other 5+% keeps me inspired when I'm at my weakest.)
To the point I've even gone so far as to cut out my idiot, druggie friend from my life because he was ultimately a toxic influence.
And I know, to damn near everyone it "isn't addictive" and "doesn't cause health problems" and "worse things to be addicted to" etc. but it was a problem in my life whether I wanted to admit it or not.
It hindered me from being eligible for job opportunities, it made me lazy, I read less, and spent way too many hours in front of the tv playing games or watching things.
Healthwise I feel better. I'm more likely to go out and do, explore, and experience.
Lots of other good things I'm forgetting, I'm sure.
But now I have a job so I have extra money and no longer need to be clean.
The person I initially quit for... unfortunately isn't as big of a part of my life as I'd have liked...
And lately I could really, really use a smoke to get through some shit...
Plus it helps with my sleep, anxiety, stress levels, etc.
Not to mention it makes things better. Tasting things, especially fruit, is an incredible experience. Sex is just mind blowing... a fully body and mental experience on a whole different level. I'm more likely to enjoy some of the things I've given up over the years... gaming more, watching & enjoying animé, etc. Things that make me happy that non-stoned me just isn't that big into otherwise.
And I like the mental stimulation some strains bring. The other perspective it sometimes helps inspires me to see.
Some of my best college papers was power written while stoned. My philosophy professors especially loved those. lol
Hell, even one of them ended up published & getting me invited to a Language & Linguistics Conference my senior year.
But it's like... idk who I am anymore in this regards.
I'm not anti-marijuana by a long shot. I'm still for legalization and taxation even though I choose not to participate.
And I have no intention of smoking on a daily basis. Letting it consume my life again (gd addictive personality).
I'd probably just smoke on my days off, nights I pull double shifts, and holidays. Y'know, 8ish times a month if even that.
Though a part of me would actually prefer even less. Like only when I truly need to or whatever.
But even then a part of me feels guilty now.
Like I've come this far, why throw that all away?
Even though I no longer have anything to prove to someone, anyone else... I guess I still have something to prove to myself.
Though even still a small part of me doesn't want to let either of us down.
So I guess I know my answer now... or have a pretty good idea...
But man, some days are harder than others to keep sober.
But hey, if I can get past this then it's only a matter of time before I can apply this to other vices and such in my life.
Cut out the junk food, cut out soda (even the diet stuff), etc etc.
...or maybe I'll just learn better control. After all, someone once said "pan metron ariston" (everything in moderation).
