How To Be A Weeaboo:
A Step-by-step Guide to Denouncing Your Western Heritage.
Gomennasai, Codex. The kimono-clad prince above is Ken-sama. If you are unaware of his legacy I beseech you to educate yourself immediately. Today you shall begin your journey to be as great as the man himself. Today you begin your journey to become a weeaboo.
Step 1: Anime > Cartoons
The first and easiest step is to begin indulging in anime. Anime is defined as "Japanese hand-drawn or computer animation." I call it the greatest gift from God. Anime covers all kinds of genres and age groups, and the icing on the cake is it looks so much better than American cartoons:
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It's incredibly obvious what the superior medium is here.
Many great examples of anime to get going are Pokemon, Digimon, Yu-Gi-Oh, Tokyo Mew Mew, Fighting Foodons, Kirby: Right Back At Ya, and Sonic X. These shows are all rich in Japanese culture and history, and will provide great icebreakers at the next anime club box social!
Step 2: Ignorance Is Bliss
Did someone at the box social tell you that a blue hedgehog running fast isn't actually something that happens in Japan? Bullocks. That kid is just jealous at your superior knowledge of Japan. Keep educating yourself through anime and ignore all those "history" books they keep picking up from that whitewashed public library. Yes Japan does have a school of martial arts for every single thing in existence. Yes there is a well that sends people to feudal Japan Yes the world is a flooded dystopian future where pirates rule with an iron fist. (note I haven't actually seen One Piece.)
Anime is an incredibly entertaining way to learn the culture and history of Japan. Especially ones about the superior education system over there. It completely overshadows North America's education system, It's like no one here is even trying. I mean Angel Beats is a documentary on Japanese afterlife high school. It's amazing that actual footage was recovered and shown in a superior anime format. Let's see an American library ever carry books on that.
Step 3: Basking In Your Otaku Greatness
You've watched anime. Studied everything it as to teach you. You're starting to do away with your inferior north american teachings and praise the wisdom of Japan. You're becoming what great scholars have described as an "otaku". Otaku is the level lesser than weeaboo, but never fear because you're making amazing progress. Why simply listen to the voices of angels while watching anime when you can speak the language of the Gods instead? Yes! It's time to learn Japanese. I highly recommend Rosetta Stone for a learning guide, but if you spent all your money on Rin Kokonoe dakimakuras then I shall provide a few professional translations to start your lessons. Remember kids, kanji is outdated and far too complicated to bother learning. That's why it's never used in most mediums. Only use the basic Japanese alphabets, which are katakana and hiragana!
ごめんなさい (gomennasai) = Good evening
かわいい (kawaii) = Anime
ごはん (gohan) = boys love
しかたがない (shikata ga nai) = I love you
へんたい (hentai) = Cool person
やおいがすき (yaoi ga suki) = I love Pokemon
どこにもっともちかいラブホテルですか？ (doko ni motto mo chikai rabu hoteru desu ka?) = where is the bathroom?
I hope learning these few examples enlighten your soul and empower you to continue learning such a beautiful language. Words spoken only by superior beings.
Step 4: Testing For Secret Asian Heritage
So you've watched every anime ever and have mastered the very foundations of the superior Japanese Language. It's time for the ultimate test. Having tests ran on your very DNA to determine that you're actually part Asian, but hopefully only Japanese. Yes for only $149 you too can learn your past. Your Asian past through the power of AncestryDNA™.
Wait.
What's wrong?
I'm...not actually Japanese?
Not even Asian?
Not even 1/100 Asian?
That can't be right!
I know I'm Asian.
CHECK AGAIN.
I WATCHED ALL THOSE STUPID CARTOONS AND LEARNED AN OBNOXIOUS LANGUAGE AND YOU'RE SAYING I'M JUST A STUPID EUROPEAN?
Step 5: Become Depressed
After trashing the DNA testing lab and finishing crying into your tear soaked Rin Kokonoe dakimakura you fall into a deep depression. Life is a lie. Your DNA is a lie. Everything is a lie. In every form except physical you know you're actually Japanese. No DNA test can prove that otherwise. No one here understands your pain. Your suffering. Your endless desire to glomp and play pocky-kissing games. You cannot stay in this lie of a country. It's time to visit the holy land and find the truth.
Step 6: Spend Life Savings On Trip To Japan
After fishing a high price on eBay for the mostly clean dakimakuras (wink wink) you spend every penny you have on a one-way trip to Japan. Here you're going to prove that you're actually Japanese by seamlessly blending in with the locals. It'll be easy because you're actually Japanese and no one will even be able to tell the difference!
Why is everyone staring at you? What're they calling you? Guy Jean? Who's Guy? That's not your name. A woman got embarrassed and ran away when you asked where the bathroom was? Maybe using the bathroom is taboo here. That's probably why it's never covered in anime. That explains it! Press on, my friend! Your journey must continue!
The woman brought over a police officer? At least he was polite when you greeted him this fine evening. You asked him where the bathroom was and he arrested you? I guess using the bathroom really is illegal here. Maybe an anime should've covered it. It could have been a suspenseful anime about the tragedy behind the anti-bathroom laws or something. Is there an underground society fighting for the right to poop? Sounds thrilling! Maybe we should find it sometime!
Wait what do you mean we can't find it? Deported? For wanting to poop? What a serious crime! Wow! Kicked out of Japan and we just got here!
Step 7: Realize You've Made a Horrible Mistake
After spending your entire life savings and being kicked out of your parent's basement for having naked pillows of anime girls you're now homeless. You have no home, no education, no money. You spent your entire teenage years watching anime, learning a language wrong, and listening to some schmuck on the internet about something he has no idea about. At the very least you can look back at this abomination of a trip and know the horrors of otaku and weeaboos. There is no compliment to being an otaku. It is not a word to be associated with. There are horrible consequences for learning about another society through the misguided, fanservice-riddled drawing of perverted men (and sometimes women!). There is no afterlife high school. It was all a lie.
The past is behind you. You can get back on your feet and be a normal member of society now. One free of that horrible weeaboo virus. At least One Piece was cool.
Remember kids: Don't be a Weeaboo.
What you saw in anime seemed real. But you knew it couldn't be real, didn't you? That's why it's important to think about what you see in anime, and ask questions. Kinda like you just did.
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