24 replies to this topic

[Mason]

Please give me thoughts on where you think this essay needs improvement... I'm not sure if it's any good, so I would like to hear from someone else before I hand it in to my professor.

For example, does it lack sentence structure variety? Any grammar-related errors? (The real paper has indented paragraphs) Boring? Anything.

Thanks, guys.

Mason Olah
Professor Lusk
ENG 101
14 Mar. 2008

Time Is Money

Americans are a lazy and impatient people. If one were to observe the American society, it would be alarmingly obvious that this is true. As a people, we desire instant gratification in all aspects of life. If we want something, we want it now.

We are constantly looking for ways to eliminate work. Don’t like what’s on the television? Why get up to change the station? Use the remote control. Oh, no, the dishes are dirty. Just throw them in the dishwasher. Is your son having a hard time learning in school? Why would you help them with their homework? Just tell them they have a disorder and put them on medication. Responsibility diverted.

Americans are also very impatient. This shows with the way we go about our daily lives. When we’re hungry, we’re hungry. We don’t want to fool around with cooking because that’s bothersome. Let’s just run - not literally, of course - to McDonalds and pick up some food. Fast food may be the greatest invention since electricity (better if electricity weren’t required for its operation) in America. You can save time, save yourself from work, and feed your face all in one stop - the best part? You never have to leave your vehicle. Microwaves are another brilliant time saving invention. Screw cooking a frozen potpie in the oven. Why would you do that when you could just throw it into a radioactive compartment and zap it for five minutes? Time saved.

The most disturbing thing about our laziness is how it is reflected by the way we take care of ourselves. Instead of dieting or exercising, we simply swallow pills with questionable contents and hope for results. If that doesn’t work, we will probably either try another one, or just give up and say that we’ve tried everything and nothing seemed to work. We want to have a nice tan, but tanning naturally is much too inconvenient. Instead, we visit an artificial tanning booth and bake for a few minutes. That was much easier, wasn’t it?

In conclusion, Americans are lazy and impatient. From remote controls, to fast food, to diet pills, we are progressively getting lazier and lazier. Can you blame us? Why do something the hard way when it is much easier to do it another way? Will this ever change? Of course it won’t. After all, time is money.

[Twilight]

it seems a little short for an essay. at least at my school it'll be short

[Alex]

Eh...not that good to be honest. Too generalizing. The title and last sentence seem to have nothing to do with the content. And some of those things have little to do with being American, the microwaves for example...

[Mason]

Ouch. Keep it coming...

[Waser Lave]

I wish I only had to do essays that short. I have to do 10,000 words.

[Mason]

There is no minimum length for this essay. My last essay was shorter and I received an A-... I'll show you it.

Mason Olah
Professor Lusk
ENG 101 – Descriptive Sketch
24 Feb. 2008

The Desert



The desert is a scorching, desolate, and unforgiving place, where the days are sweltering and the nights frigid. All around are towering mountains and cacti, ranging from short and plump to tall and slender, their prickly spines jutting out this way and that. Perhaps the most amazing thing about the desert is its apparent lifelessness. This is, however, only upon first glance. Upon exploring the vast desert, one will discover that it is teeming with life.

Imagine a small red scorpion, weaving its way around small rocks and twigs. The scorpion’s pinchers are held agape, as if they were letting out a mighty yawn. It seems to glide across the dusty ground, as if it were not walking at all, but flying. It is nearing dusk now, and the desert all of a sudden feels as if it is full of life.

There is a rustling noise coming from a dingy-colored shrub, whose branches seem as if they had been destroyed by a violent storm. As the sun sets over the sandy mosaic of color that is the desert sky, the desert seems to take on new life. The creatures hide from the oppressive, deadly desert sun during the day, and come out at night to hunt and scavenge, scouring the great desert floor for food.

This place that I am describing is called Arizona. I was just a kid when I went to this place, but the memories of the desert are vivid in my memory. This place played an important part in my life because as a kid, watching the desert go from lifeless to animated in a matter of hours was fascinating. It is an experience that sticks with me to this day. Arizona is a wondrous place, and it showed me there is a lot more to the desert than meets the eye.

[Shadiel]

Maybe a good example of laziness is how short and generalized the essay is?

You know, I'd actually put that in there, but then again I'm a sarcastic asshole.

[Mason]

Maybe a good example of laziness is how short and generalized the essay is?

You know, I'd actually put that in there, but then again I'm a sarcastic asshole.

What the fuck? Brilliant. I really am lazy... I may use this.

[iNextGenWarrior]

It was gramatically correct but some of the stuff in there had SHIT to do with Americans. Yeah, Americans eat the most fast food, but the Japanese spend the most on take-aways, according to new research from Euromonitor International. So yeah like everyone else said... But you should have done more research before writing this...

[Mason]

I forgot to mention that this was an expository piece. I was not supposed to do any research before writing. It's so my professor knows how much of an ignorant idiot I am.

[iNextGenWarrior]

I forgot to mention that this was an expository piece. I was not supposed to do any research before writing. It's so my professor knows how much of an ignorant idiot I am.

Mmmm that explains a lot... This is opinionated?

[Mason]

Yes. I thought all writing was opinionated.

[iNextGenWarrior]

Yes. I thought all writing was opinionated.

Well essays are but sometimes you are instructed to research your topic and state your opinions about the research you find...Research papers aren't opinionated

[Mason]

This is definitely very opinionated. I did zero research before writing it. I like that concept.

[iNextGenWarrior]

This is definitely very opinionated. I did zero research before writing it. I like that concept.

Well because there are no gramatical/spelling errors you should get an A... What else can he/she say... this is what you think about Americans right? Seems good to me...

[Qaz]

I wish I only had to do essays that short. I have to do 10,000 words.

holy fuckin shit dude! that's like 40 pages !

oh yeah, the paper was alright, but not that good. the title was sort of irrelevant and the first sentence "Americans are a lazy and impatient people.", i think it would sound better if you took out the "a", so it would be : "Americans are lazy and impatient people."

[Shadiel]

holy fuckin shit dude! that's like 40 pages !

oh yeah, the paper was alright, but not that good. the title was sort of irrelevant and the first sentence "Americans are a lazy and impatient people.", i think it would sound better if you took out the "a", so it would be : "Americans are lazy and impatient people."

It's correct with the "a" though.

Edit: 200 POSTS!!!1!!!1!ONE!!1!! OLOLOLOMG!!!!!11!1!

Edited by Shadiel, 18 March 2008 - 08:01 PM.

[The Defier]

Good writing is SPECIFIC and PERSONAL, not GENERIC and ABSTRACT. Key words that will pave your way to better writing.

From what I can see, your essays are too "flowery". It's like your trying hard to impress by making it seem professional via big words and complex sentences. The short sentence is an uppercut, use it wisely . You don't need these complex sentences, you just need to be honest in your writing. And you can't be honest if you haven't had experience with the object.

Don't say that the desert is a scorching,desolate, and unforgiving place. Show me that it's a scorching,desolate, and unforgiving place. Say concrete things about that desert that makes it such an unforgiving place.

Oh and like that guy said earlier, your last sentences are WAY OFF. For the entire desert essay, you described it as a horrible place but then in the end you suddenly call it "wondrous"? If you had slowly switched from talking about it in a bad way to complimenting its beauty, then and only THEN could you have ended the essay by saying its wondrous. But the way you did it, it was a complete contradiction and it made no sense.

But don't take all of my comments to heart. Just sharing my thoughts from what I learned from my crazy 80-year old English teacher .

Good luck with your future writing

Edited by The Defier, 18 March 2008 - 08:36 PM.

[Mason]

Good writing is SPECIFIC and PERSONAL, not GENERIC and ABSTRACT. Key words that will pave your way to better writing.

From what I can see, your essays are too "flowery". It's like your trying hard to impress by making it seem professional via big words and complex sentences. The short sentence is an uppercut, use it wisely . You don't need these complex sentences, you just need to be honest in your writing. And you can't be honest if you haven't had experience with the object.

Don't say that the desert is a scorching,desolate, and unforgiving place. Show me that it's a scorching,desolate, and unforgiving place. Say concrete things about that desert that makes it such an unforgiving place.

Oh and like that guy said earlier, your last sentences are WAY OFF. For the entire desert essay, you described it as a horrible place but then in the end you suddenly call it "wondrous"? If you had slowly switched from talking about it in a bad way to complimenting its beauty, then and only THEN could you have ended the essay by saying its wondrous. But the way you did it, it was a complete contradiction and it made no sense.

But don't take all of my comments to heart. Just sharing my thoughts from what I learned from my crazy 80-year old English teacher .

Good luck with your future writing

Thanks for the post. I don't take writing very seriously, but I believe I could do well with something I were actually interested in... I like fiction a lot, but unfortunately we don't write any fiction in my English class. I'm debating whether or not I should take a class on it.

[Grizzy]

I hate generalization and the way you use that grammar.

"Americans are a lazy and impatient people." I know you see it often, but my schooling has made me detest this kind of stuff.

I can't concentrate right now, so the second essay has to wait, sorry.

Please indicate the purpose of these essays - like what was the question/objective?
It helps to know where you're coming from before you go somewhere.

Sorry, I really can't think right now, so I had to put that last bit in a figurative sense.

Edited by desiresd, 19 March 2008 - 02:24 PM.

[Qaz]

It's correct with the "a" though.

Edit: 200 POSTS!!!1!!!1!ONE!!1!! OLOLOLOMG!!!!!11!1!

never said it wasn't right with the "a", just saying it sounds a bit wierd (at least to me).

and congrats on your 200 posts

[The Defier]

Thanks for the post. I don't take writing very seriously, but I believe I could do well with something I were actually interested in... I like fiction a lot, but unfortunately we don't write any fiction in my English class. I'm debating whether or not I should take a class on it.

Glad I was able to help. As for the class, do whatever makes you happy. It'll make life that much more livable.

[Jewbert]

I agree that it's too stereotypical. Maybe you should say "most" instead of saying all Americans are blah blah blah. A

Also, if you plan to keep this in the essay, change it:
"Is your son having a hard time learning in school? Why would you help them with their homework? Just tell them they have a disorder and put them on medication. Responsibility diverted."

You asked if the "son" was having a hard time learning in school but then you used "them" which doesn't agree with "son."
Instead, maybe say "Is your son or daughter..." or "Are your children..." then you can use them. But if you keep it at "son", make sure you say "him."

[The Defier]

I agree that it's too stereotypical. Maybe you should say "most" instead of saying all Americans are blah blah blah. A

Also, if you plan to keep this in the essay, change it:
"Is your son having a hard time learning in school? Why would you help them with their homework? Just tell them they have a disorder and put them on medication. Responsibility diverted."

You asked if the "son" was having a hard time learning in school but then you used "them" which doesn't agree with "son."
Instead, maybe say "Is your son or daughter..." or "Are your children..." then you can use them. But if you keep it at "son", make sure you say "him."

Yeah, that's a very common mistake made by many people mainly by those cheap, stupid Home Shopping tv commericals...

[Dan]

Mason Olah
Professor Lusk
ENG 101
14 Mar. 2008
Time Is Money

Americans are a lazy and impatient people population. If one were to observe the American society, it would be alarmingly obvious that this is true. As a people population, we desire instant gratification in all aspects of life. If we want something, we want it now.

We are constantly looking for ways to eliminate work. Don’t like what’s on the television? Why get up to change the station? Use the remote control. Oh, no, the dishes are dirty. Just throw them in the dishwasher. Is your son having a hard time learning in school? Why would you help them with their homework? Just tell them they have a disorder and put them on medication. Responsibility diverted.

Americans are also very impatient. This shows with the way we go about our daily lives. When we’re hungry, we’re hungry. We don’t want to fool around with cooking because that’s bothersome. Let’s just run - not literally, of course - to McDonalds and pick up some food. Fast food may be the greatest invention since electricity (better if electricity weren’t required for its operation) in America. You can save time, save yourself from work, and feed your face all in one stop - the best part? You never have to leave your vehicle. Microwaves are another brilliant time saving invention. Screw cooking a frozen potpie in the oven. Why would you do that when you could just throw it into a radioactive compartment and zap it for five minutes? Time saved.

The most disturbing thing about our laziness is how it is reflected by the way we take care of ourselves. Instead of dieting or exercising, we simply swallow pills with questionable contents and hope for results. If that doesn’t work, we will probably either try another one, or just give up and say that we’ve tried everything and nothing seemed to work. We want to have a nice tan, but tanning naturally is much too inconvenient. Instead, we visit an artificial tanning booth and bake for a few minutes. That was much easier, wasn’t it?

In conclusion, Americans are lazy and impatient. From remote controls, to fast food, to diet pills, we are progressively getting lazier and lazier. Can you blame us? Why do something the hard way when it is much easier to do it another way? Will this ever change? Of course it won’t. After all, time is money.

I stopped reading after those two mistakes, for the main reason that in no way is this an English essay - or should it be to be honest.. what grade / level are you taking this for? I don't know anyone who even in high school would hand in an english essay less than ~1000 words.

Also - take a step back and look at what you're implying here. You're implying that it's only Americans who act in the way you describe, and that everyone in America acts like this. At first glace of the essay only, I'd think this was a psychology essay outlining an example of ignorance in society.

Edited by Dan, 20 March 2008 - 04:09 AM.