82 replies to this topic

[Joanna]

I was youtubing earlier and I came across this video of an anorexic woman who decided to take part in an anti-anorexia campaign to show the dangerous effects becoming anorexic can have... and it got me thinking about myself.

This is the video if you want to watch it:

Spoiler

[url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VS2mfWDryPE"]http://www.youtube.c...h?v=VS2mfWDryPE[/url]

I posted a thread a while back about how this fall I gained a fair amount of weight. In the thread I talked about how I was hoping to loose it all again by working out in the gym with my friend. While I was digging around for some pictures to show how much weight I gained (and some other things which if you read the thread you will find out about) I found an interesting picture of myself. When I found it the first time I looked at it and only wished I could be that thin again and just forgot about it.

This is where the video comes in:
Today, after I watched the video of that woman it made me think about that picture. I went straight to facebook where I have been keeping it and stared at it. It was like all of the sudden memories that I just put into the back of my mind came racing out. After about an hour of just weird and raw emotions coming out I couldn't believe what I was doing to myself back in High School. (Which is when that pic was taken.)

Every single morning I would wake up and go into the bathroom and throw up whatever was in my stomach. I blamed it on the fact that I was allergic to caffeine and had just drank too much the day before. I had never thought of it as being something I was doing to myself but when I go back and think about it... I made myself feel sick ALL THE TIME so I would throw up- or so that I wouldn't eat. I was making myself think I was sick so I would loose weight and so everyday that I was sick in the morning, I wouldn't eat at school. It pretty much went downhill from there.

Now, while I never got to dangerous levels and never really was unhealthy I was surely on a path that would lead me there sooner than I would have ever been prepared.
This is the picture...

Spoiler

This is me now... (The top image is the most recent picture... but the one underneath gives a better comparison)

Spoiler

Now... the entire reason for this post is because yesterday, in an attempt to make myself eat less food, I just decided not to eat anything at all until my 8 hour shift at work was done. Then when I got home I had a salad because I couldn't take the hunger pains anymore.

I realized today that I have been doing this to myself for the last week. I have been feeling like I am gaining weight so quickly, and the size girl I see in the mirror isn't the size girl that I actually am.

After watching this video I just felt so... weird I guess. My stomach feels like its flipping in circles and I feel awful. I have no idea how I would be right now if I kept going down the path that I was... and to think that I WANTED to be like that again. Sick and sad all the time. Feeling like shit about how my body looked in the mirror, and I feel like that today- right now.

This isn't a pity post, I am not looking for complements or for people to make me feel better about my body- I just needed to tell someone. I needed people to know what I used to do to myself and how it never goes away- ever. That TERRIBLE feeling of ugliness and feeling fat and disgusting.
Every morning before my shower I look at my body in the mirror and I get SO angry! And I'm not even FAT!! Thats the thing... I know it to say it out loud- and I know that other people do not see me that way... but it is just not how I feel on the inside.

I finally feel like I can sympathize with girls who are thin who feel like they're fat. Because when I was thinner than I am now I never felt like I was thin! Never once did I look into the mirror and say, "Wow JoAnna, you are so skinny!" It didn't happen.

Edited by jsteinberg, 19 May 2010 - 11:09 AM.

[ArticTheTiger]

This is not aimed at you.<< ULTRA MEGA HUGE DISCLAIMER
^^ULTRA MEGA HUGE DISCLAIMER
I freaking hate anorexic women (and guys too, they exist)

They won't take your compliments to heart, they ignore everything you say and keep going through hoops just so they don't have to listen to you.

I also hate people who can eat mc donalds or pizza all week and not gain a pound.

Also, I see you have a boyfriend, tell him about the way you feel, its his job to make you feel good and.. well.. make you feel good.


Nice physique though.

[Joanna]

This is not aimed at you.<< ULTRA MEGA HUGE DISCLAIMER
^^ULTRA MEGA HUGE DISCLAIMER
I freaking hate anorexic women (and guys too, they exist)

They won't take your compliments to heart, they ignore everything you say and keep going through hoops just so they don't have to listen to you.

I also hate people who can eat mc donalds or pizza all week and not gain a pound.

Also, I see you have a boyfriend, tell him about the way you feel, its his job to make you feel good and.. well.. make you feel good.


Nice physique though.

I do believe that he is the reason I am not than thin anymore. He used to be about 60 pounds less than in that picture.

And about the anorexia complements thing: When someone believes something so strongly in their mind it is nearly impossible for themselves or for anyone else to convince them otherwise. That is why seriously anorexic people need YEARS of therapy to get better. (Take hardcore religious people (NO OFFENSE), or people who are tone deaf but who think they are the best singer in the world ever for example... try convincing them that they're wrong. If they believe it in their heart there is no changing their mind)

But I think I know what you mean on a different level. I HATE IT when a girl who is thinner than me refuses to accept my complements... and yeah that makes me a hypocrite and I have begun realizing that slowly. I understand where they are coming from.

Edited by jsteinberg, 19 May 2010 - 11:30 AM.

[ArticTheTiger]

I do believe that he is the reason I am not than thin anymore. He used to be about 60 pounds less than in that picture.

And about the anorexia complements thing: When someone believes something so strongly in their mind it is nearly impossible for themselves or for anyone else to convince them otherwise. That is why seriously anorexic people need YEARS of therapy to get better. (Take hardcore religious people (NO OFFENSE), or people who are tone deaf but who think they are the best singer in the world ever for example... try convincing them that they're wrong. If they believe it in their heart there is no changing their mind)

Yeah thats why I put the disclaimer in, I don't feel like arguing to a brick wall

I am a pretty smooth talker normally when chatting with a person one on one, but I just couldn't get through to this girl I knew.

haven't talked to her for 2 years or so now, don't miss that self pity one bit.


I am overweight myself, I tried doing something about it, but failed most likely due to lack of motivation/willpower.

To be honest, as long as I am healthy enough I don't even care.

[Ambition]

This is not aimed at you.<< ULTRA MEGA HUGE DISCLAIMER
^^ULTRA MEGA HUGE DISCLAIMER
I freaking hate anorexic women (and guys too, they exist)

They won't take your compliments to heart, they ignore everything you say and keep going through hoops just so they don't have to listen to you.

I also hate people who can eat mc donalds or pizza all week and not gain a pound.

Also, I see you have a boyfriend, tell him about the way you feel, its his job to make you feel good and.. well.. make you feel good.


Nice physique though.

Why do you hate people who eat fast food but don't gain weight? Envious of how they can seem to enjoy food without having to worry about obesity? It could be that they just work out after eating instead of sitting on their ass all day long.

[chobitz]

I know you don't want compliments but you look soooo cute now. Girls are meant to have hips breast and even a bit of a pooch tummy. Its how we are made.

Full disclosure..I use to weight 75-80lbs in HS but I am also very short at 4ft 10in. I wore I size 0-1 Junior or size 12-14 CHILD. I wasn't anorexic. I had a very very fast metabolism. I loved (and still do) food of all kinds. But boy did I get comments.

At 23 I got pregnant and had a miscarriage but the pregnancy caused my body to slow down and I ended up gaining weight. 15 yrs ago I had to have major surgery and for some reason it stabilized my weight. I now weigh between 110-120 lbs. Yes I am slightly chunky but I like my curves!

I don't get why girls want to be super thin or that guys like girls who are super thin. Super thin = no boobies guys. If a girl is super think and has big breasts they are usually fake! *sigh* men...

If your feelings about food is turning towards your HS days please go to the campus mental health facility. I bet there are support groups you could join.

What disgusts me are sites that romanticize eating disorders and calling it "friends with Ana" or being "thinspired"and BS like that.

[ArticTheTiger]

Why do you hate people who eat fast food but don't gain weight? Envious of how they can seem to enjoy food without having to worry about obesity? It could be that they just work out after eating instead of sitting on their ass all day long.

I should have been more specific.

People at my school who do nothing whatsoever and are just lucky with a kick ass metabolism.

[Joanna]

I should have been more specific.

People at my school who do nothing whatsoever and are just lucky with a kick ass metabolism.

It is extremely frustrating...

[ArticTheTiger]

It is extremely frustrating...

I know right! I can at least RESPECT people who work out for it.

[chobitz]

I should have been more specific.

People at my school who do nothing whatsoever and are just lucky with a kick ass metabolism.

fact is when you hit 30 your body slows down metabolism wise. So those folks with kick ass metabolism well...they too will get the middle age spread and will have to work to be thin.

[ArticTheTiger]

fact is when you hit 30 your body slows down metabolism wise. So those folks with kick ass metabolism well...they too will get the middle age spread and will have to work to be thin.

The beerbelly effect :3

Sweet, sweet vengeance.

I don't really care anymore though. I have a better personality and hairstyle.

[Ambition]

The beerbelly effect :3

Sweet, sweet vengeance.

I don't really care anymore though. I have a better personality and hairstyle.

You crave the vengeance but say you don't care. Honestly, that post reveals a lot of insecurity, especially when you claim you have a better personality and hairstyle than everyone who has good metabolism.

[ArticTheTiger]

You crave the vengeance but say you don't care. Honestly, that post reveals a lot of insecurity, especially when you claim you have a better personality and hairstyle than everyone who has good metabolism.

Nah, I said the vengeance thing for dramatic purposes.

And yet again, let me specify, my personality and hairstyle is better than the select group of metabolists (lol) I had in mind.

[Ambition]

Nah, I said the vengeance thing for dramatic purposes.

And yet again, let me specify, my personality and hairstyle is better than the select group of metabolists (lol) I had in mind.

Its not like you can't boost your metabolism.

[kiddX]

Being anorexic isn't that great in short bursts. I was for a while and lost 60 pounds in 2 months - but when I stopped most of it came back. It's better to just go to the gym everyday and eat a moderate diet. It's quite a bit slower but the weight stays off and you become healthier.

[Jake]

I also hate people who can eat mc donalds or pizza all week and not gain a pound.

This is me, and it fucking sucks bro. I want to gain weight I'm not skinny but I'm not comfortable with my size either, want to be sitting 15-20 lbs more than I am now.

[Joanna]

This is me, and it fucking sucks bro. I want to gain weight I'm not skinny but I'm not comfortable with my size either, want to be sitting 15-20 lbs more than I am now.

Never thought of it like that before....

[Jake]

Never thought of it like that before....

Yes but at least on my end it is a positive note, I start off healthy and end healthy. I know I will eventually end up at my target weight but it takes me at least 7 hours a week of working out to pull this off. That doesn't include time I spend biking, which is ironic since I want to gain weight but it keeps me fit as well.

Arctic to be honest if you just worked a bit on it bud, your size is better than those skinny people you claim to hate. The best way to get muscles is starting off chunkier, just motivate yourself to start working out and you will not regret it.

[Boggart]

My friend is anorexic It's scary. She rapidly loses like 10 pounds in a week, but then she gains it all back within a few days when she starts eating it again. So she doesn't eat again for a really long time

she knows the risks, she knows it won't last long, she knows it's extremely dangerous

She doesn't care So please, don't be anorexic. Please

[Stryker11487]

fact is when you hit 30 your body slows down metabolism wise. So those folks with kick ass metabolism well...they too will get the middle age spread and will have to work to be thin.

It's not even 30 have you seen most college grads these days? Really it's all about personal opinion I mean the people around you should make you feel good about yourself but in the end if you are unhappy with yourself nobody is going to really be able to change that but yourself... If you don't like looking the way you do or dressing the way you do or weighing etc... And you want to change take charge!

It's hard to have a real job and pay real bills and have real responsibilities... It's even harder trying to not let ourselves go. Such is life it's really what you do about it that matters... Just be internally happy with yourself the rest of the people around you will or won't enjoy that and those that don't well... Yeah there are roads for a reason, to lead ourselves to other places!

[Boggart]

I know it's not the same, but I used to be fat too (I mean very overweight borderline obese). And there were times where I Just didn't eat since I felt bad about myself, but even if I did lose a little weight, it wasn't worth it. I couldn't keep it off

Also, since I'm a guy, I knew that not eating would just eat away at what little muscle I had, which would lower my metabolism. So I just cut out junk for like 3 years of my life.

But I really think you have nothing to worry about Joanna! You're not fat. I understand you wishing you looked like you did before, but it's not necessary! You have a boyfriend and you don't even have a problem to begin with.

If you do want to lose weight, just do it healthily. If you need help I'm pretty sure half of codex knows ways to lose weight

[Boggart]

another point: if you don't eat and lose a lot of weight rapidly, you WILL get stretch marks. I have them on my ass, arms and waist. Which is kinda weird since it sorta looks like I gave birth >_<

[Joanna]

My metabolism has slowed down but I'm still rather normal... what pisses me off are the stretch marks on my thighs because they got so fucking fat and you know what? You can stave yourself all you please but your damn thighs just never get less jiggly.... -rage-


I guess we just have to exercise... which sucks because Im so god damn lazy and doomed to be 7000 pounds in the future! QQ
Ive never had the "I'm skinny" thing either. It's always just been... "Ugh Im so fucking short.. and Ugh my thighs are so fucking hugely disgusting and jiggly"

But whatever... if you dont take care of your body that's what happens... cut down on your soda intake and read how many servings are in something before you ingest it...

Sometimes it feels like not eating anything and then eating a lot is a lot better than being limited and restrained to low calorie garbage. Whatever though I've never had wild eating habbits anyway.. Im just a lazy fucker

Haha... my thighs are big... they always have been. I have actually accepted that fact. Its my belly and "love handles" that I always stare at.

And I can totally sympathize with the family thing. Its in my genes.


**Thank you all for your kind words. I was on a healthy track for like 3 months! It has only been these past couple weeks that I've been spiraling downward. Luckily I caught myself this time and made a big deal out of it so that I can fix my issues**

[Ambition]

This is me, and it fucking sucks bro. I want to gain weight I'm not skinny but I'm not comfortable with my size either, want to be sitting 15-20 lbs more than I am now.

Same. I don't see why people are seeing skinniness as ideal. Its probably because they're women and we're guys. I'm scrawny and trust me, it doesn't feel so good. You feel that you're still limited by your body.

Edited by Live, 19 May 2010 - 05:44 PM.