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I'm in a giving mood


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#1 gemificus

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Posted 30 September 2010 - 11:36 AM

I'm in a giving mood so Ive decided to give away the 5 items i RS'sed today each worth more than 5k but less than 70k (had a pants day) and five booby items 10 items total,

to win i want you to tell me a joke. the one i like best wins.. I'm gonna randomize the prizes into a 1-10 so each joke will get a number but noone will know what number is what prize until the end, i am more than happy for at least 3 members of the forum not willing to take part to help me judge who's joke should get what pm to help judge,

the prizes up for grabs are as follows:-

Doglefox
Nighttime in Brightvale Background
Honey Basted Turkey Leg
Vux Codestone Plushie
Lennies Who Lie

booby prizes

Faerie Cybunny Plushie
Shiny Obsidian
Bitten Green Apple
Intergalactic Spiced Beans
Mummy Spaghetti

all prizes will be announced after i have 10 winning jokes along with who won them... yay!

if you win a booby prize then everyone will know your joke telling skills are pants muhahahaha

there will be given a big ole SIGH and a pile of dung to anyone who tells me one I've heard before..


yes yes yes its a really pants competition but it'll be fun, i'll announce judges if and when i get any

Edited by gemificus, 30 September 2010 - 11:44 AM.


#2 Brennon

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Posted 30 September 2010 - 12:39 PM

What do you call a penis inside a vagina?

Sexual Intercourse!

Get it?

#3 gemificus

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Posted 30 September 2010 - 01:33 PM

big ole sign that's a fact of life not a joke.

on plus side you won some dung go you :rolleyes:

#4 Naded

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Posted 30 September 2010 - 04:10 PM

Cara was thinking as she sat in the office "Someone was pulling a cruel joke on her." A close friend of the family for years, Detective Gary Harden sat in front of her on his desk. He was waiting for her to clear her throat and dry her eyes and give him the answer he hoped he wouldn't hear.
As she blew her nose and looked at him asking, "You must be kidding Gary?" But she knew the answer was no, it wasn't the joke she had hoped it to be. It was April Fools Day, and she was being questioned, maybe arrested for murder.

Murder of one Scott Mathews her fiance, so everyone thought, especially her. But now he was dead, and she was the prime suspect. She looked Gary straight in the eyes and said "You should know me better than that. Our family has been honest people for years. Good honest business people. You have been in Gram's store many times. You know she had a honest business, and she raised me right."

"Yes I know she did, and I've never known you to hurt a fly. But Scott Mathews is dead. I'm a Detective and I have to investigate all leads, no matter how close I am to someone. Now just where were you on last night Cara?" She thought about it for a few minutes and she knew he would believe her, after all they had been very close. Too close for comfort now.

She thought back over the past as Gary waited for an answer. She and Gary had been High School Sweethearts. The fact was they had been friends ever since kindergarten. They had followed each other through school. They both liked all the same things, except he wanted to be a cop and she hated the idea, that was what parted them. Gary had wanted to marry her, in fact she wanted that too. But she hated the idea of him being a cop and he wouldn't give up the idea so they parted.

Gary soon married another girl after he finished his police training, but he never got over Cara. But he did love Rebecca with a passion and she didn't mind him being a cop. Soon he made detective and she liked that even better. And they had two great kids. Cara never married, it seemed she busied herself into making a career out of taking care of her grandparents who raised her since she was five, and running the store with Grams help of course.

Last September she met Scott Mathews, he swept her off her feet the first time she met him. He was so sophisticated and handsome, and such a gentleman. She remembered how Gary had cautioned her, saying he was sneaky and he didn't trust him. She had teased Gary although he was happily married of just being jealous of her attraction to Scott. He was just the opposite of what she always like about Gary. She trusted Scott if he didn't to her that was all that mattered. Gram didn't like him either, she always said "Better keep one eye opened with that one Cara Lynn." She always added "Men like him like to walk all over innocent good looking dolls. I met a man like him once in New Orleans on a buying trip. Child I could see right through him as well as I can see through Scott Mathews. He is a con man. Never trust a man who wears pink. He'll never buy you shoes and will give you many tears, Cara Lynn."

Gram had a way of mixing up proverbs, but she sure was wise about the world. But she was sure she was wrong about Scott, he was so different to her, he couldn't be like she was saying. But she never hesitated to caution her with her favorite saying. "Remember you can't unscramble your eggs." Even now she had to snicker at that thought. That was Gram's mixed up way of saying you can't undo a wrong, once it's done.

Gary interrupted her thoughts by handing her a glass of water. She sipped it and snarled her nose and set it aside asking. "Is this lime water?"

"No just bottled water."

"Sure tasted like lime and smells like it, don't you smell that?" Gary shook his head no, but she was sure she smelled it. She never missed that smell. It was the one thing she hated about her grandmother.

"Funny isn't it though, I smell it yet I hate the smell of limes. Gram sure liked it though, remember when we were kids Gary how she use to fix it and tell us it was lemonade?" Gary nodded his acknowledgment. "She loved the taste of limes. She drank lemonade with fresh limes all the time, and she sliced so many limes it was like she used it for her perfume. It sure is strong here."

Gary thought she was just imagining things, but then the fan blowed a fresh breeze toward him, and he thought he caught the scent of limes, then he thought it was the power of her suggestion working on him. She still moved him even after all these years now, he still cared about her. But he was married now and had two good kids and was happily married. But deep down he still regretted that he didn't make her stick it out and work it out between the two of them. And now here he was questioning her about a murder, he was sure she couldn't be capable of. Not the Cara he knew and use to love, she wasn't capable of hurting anything.

Cara Lynn crossed her legs and she continued. "Well as you know Scott swept me off my feet and we planned to marry next month. Although Gram refused to give her blessings, we were determined. Then she passed away two months ago she was eighty three you know. Spry though and didn't act a day over fifty. But she led a good life and raised me. Lord knows she now will rest. You know she wouldn't quit working in that old store, no matter how late it was. If a customer came in, she waited on him."

Gary paced the floor as she continued. "She left it all to me you know, the house. I begged her for years to sell that big old house and move into town. But she wouldn't give it up. She said too many memories would live on in that old house on the hill, where we were raised. I swear I didn't know what I would do with it anyway. The store well I did intend to keep running it. This town would pull up the sidewalks if Wilsons Antiques closed it's doors. Why even it's names brings in the tourist."

Gary said "Yep Wilson's Old and New Antiques. The Price that can't be beat. That was her motto all these years, and what kept customers coming back." She continued.

"Well since we were going to be married even I know that rightfully he should have gotten half of what I had. That was the way of the land. I know legally I didn't have to give him nothing. But dam Gary I trusted him."

She blew her nose again and took a sip of the water, again and fanned the air, and went on. "We were going to Hawaii on our honeymoon. She wanted to go there too, bless her soul, but she was afraid to fly, or get on a boat. So I gave him my inheritance money for the honeymoon. I didn't even complain when he wanted me to sell that old house and buy a new modern house. Oddly enough it was the same house Gram said if she ever left the house on Hickory Hill she would buy that one."

"You know which one Gary the white cape cod just outside of town. Lovely home I loved it at first sight too. I gave him the down payment on it too. But I did persuade him to let me keep the old house, after all it has my own memories too. Well it was you who told me the house had been sold to that new doctor, what's his name?"

"Doc and Misses Johnson, they moved in yesterday. Scott told you he bought it and assured you the two of you would be moving next month."

"Well I did see the papers, they looked legal. He even showed me the airline tickets. Well it's still hard for me to believe he was cheating me out of what was rightfully mine." Gary picked up some papers on his desk and showed her a receipt from a boat rental at the docks.

"Well that was his idea, a romantic picnic he said, he was planning everything down to the picnic basket. We would go boat riding and he knew a secluded island. That was where we were going to have the picnic." Gary looked over his notes and asked.

"Were you aware of a life insurance policy on yourself with Scott as the beneficiary?"

"Of course I had him listed as so last week and we took out a policy on him as well. That is natural for married couples as well."

"Well Smith said Scott called him last week wanting to verify what the policy covered."

"I can understand that can't you?"

"Maybe explain why there were no life jackets on board the boat?'

"Well Gary I didn't arrange for the boat trip, but Scott was an expert seaman even said he was a navy merchant and I would assume, he felt there was no need for them."

"OK did you know he had a licensed gun on board as well?"

"No, but I do know he target practised a lot we both did."

"You weren't the least bit suspicious, that maybe he was going to harm you?"

"Not the least, not until last night." She took another drink, the asked. "Do you have some more water, this still smells like limes." He poured it out and got her a fresh drink from the cooler. "I went down to the dock to see the boat, just to get an idea of how it looked. I knew what slip it would be in so I found it and climbed aboard. I didn't think anything was out of the ordinary until I heard laughter coming from below, And music playing"

"When I went down into the Galley I saw them. That red head from the bar. What's her name, you know her."

"Linda Carr. Everybody knows her by Red. She's a slick one too. She had her eyes on Scott for a long time everyone said. Nights after he took you home, he was seen dancing with her until the bar closed up. Several say he took her home, and was seen leaving the next morning."

"Well I don't doubt that, not now anyway. Well they were laughing and drinking. Drinking up my money probably. She was all over him like wet spaghetti, on the wall. They were dancing to my Vince Gill CD he gave me for Christmas. They didn't see me of course, I was careful not to let them know I was there. They were laughing about how naive I was, and how easy it was to make me believe he was going to marry me. When his plans were to marry her all the time. They were the ones going to Hawaii not the two of us."

"Then I heard how he planned to get me onto the boat near the island and make it look like I fell overboard. You know those waters are swift. Some say there's a whirlpool near there that would suck a Buick in."

"Yea I know there's been a few who drowned there through the years. So what did you do then?"

"After I calmed down my disbelief and ringing ears I sneaked back up top. But not before I heard him tell her she would have to leave the boat early in the morning before I came. Then I went home, honest I thought about a lot of things, but you know I couldn't hurt anyone. It all had to be a terrible accident. I am just sorry I trusted him, and now I lost everything. But I didn't kill anyone Gary you believe me don't you?"

He shook his head and mumbled something she couldn't understand. Then putting away the papers into a folder on his desk he said. "You're free to go for now, just don't leave town."

"Now where would I go, he got all my money."

"One more thing before you go Cara." She turned hand still on the doorknob and said "Yes Captain?"

"Did Mathews like limes?"

"Lord no he hated them as much as I did, why?"

"No reason, good day."

He watched her close the door and then he scratched his head and looked back over his notes of the boat. They had found it drifting out in the middle of the river. It seemed someone had cut the ropes that kept it tied to the dock. They had just drifted out not sensing they were moving. Obviously because they were too drunk from the signs of all the bottles laying around.

There it was what he was looking for, lime peelings on the floor and in the sink. Must have been another lie of Mathews he obviously liked limes, better than he let on. Why else would they be all around. He and Red both were found in the bunk. At first he thought they were just passed out. Until the coroner said they had died about one a.m. All looked well it just didn't add up right. He grabbed his coat and headed out the office and over to the morgue.

He had a few more questions for Eddie, he should be through with his exam by now. Eddie was just finishing his lunch and Gary asked the same old question he always did at a time like this. "Geez Eddie how can you sit there and eat with all this?" Eddie's answer was the same.

"They don't want any of it. Scenery ain't much but at least it's quiet. What can I do you for? Looking for more unanswered questions are you?"

"Got anymore answers for me on the Mathews case?"

"Not much. Looks like the guy had a heart attack to me."

"Too young ain't he?"

"Nah, see it all the time!" Then he laughed and said "Maybe Red was too much for either of them. She's been known to give a few a hard time."

"Not many ever die from sex Eddie look further."

"Maybe Mathews had a weak heart and the excitement of what he was up to, taking poor Cara for all she had got to him, along with Red's excitement."

"She ain't that good to kill a man after riding him."

"That come from experience does it?" Gary shook his head and said. "What killed her then?"

"Red's body has been worn out long ago. Liver's ate up from liquor. She is older than him, but she looked like she was scared by something."

He explained while Gary looked at his notes. "Pupils dilated eyes stretched in wonder. Just like she saw the devil himself. Mathews on the other hand looks pleased like a man relieved, somewhat like maybe explained from orgasm, pleasure of getting the last laugh on Cara maybe. No murder here."

Gary thought he would never get over seeing dead people it always gave him a chill. He was staring at Mathews hoping there was answers somewhere. "God Gary he ain't going to set up and tell you what happened, Ha-ha, I'd bet you'd wet yourself if he did."

"So would you, shut up will you. You know this place always gives me the creeps."

Staring at the face of the corpse he said. "He must have been eating something right?"

"I don't know why, hell I didn't look in the guys mouth."

"Well you are now, open it up there's something in there." With some forceps Eddie opened up Scott Mathews mouth so he could insert the forceps in and both men turned their heads from the strong stench and coughed. Then Eddie pulled out something green and slimy.

"Jesus! The guy croaked on a lime slice." There was a strong scent of lime in the room even though the slice Eddie threw in the trash was partly rotting. Gary soon left the Morgue with a lot of questions still rambling in his head. There was a chill to the wind and a storm was brewing in the south. He knew he wouldn't rest until he could prove Cara didn't murder Mathews. Better still he couldn't rest until he knew who did.

Driving back toward the office still not understanding why there would be limes all around the galley of the boat and inside Mathews mouth if he hated them. Well Red of course must have had them. It was probably some sick game of hers to entice him into putting it in his mouth. He stopped at the bar and questioned some of the other girls there and the bartender Tom, he knew well. Still confused when everyone assured him Linda Carr never used limes in anything, she did use lemons though. There was a big difference in lemons and limes even when they were rotting.

Gary headed over to the Antique store hoping maybe he would catch Cara there. But the place was locked up, he searched the door jamb for the key he knew would be there. It had been kept there ever since he was a kid. He unlocked the door and let himself in, and turned on the light.

The place still amazed him after all these years. He use to love coming here and listening to Old man Wilson talk about the good ole days as he called them. He and Cara would sit for hours listening to his tales as they watched the customers come and go. It had been more like a home than a store then. They sold all kinds of variety then, only when the old man died did they get rid of the general merchandise. The old sign still hung above the counter. Wilsons New and Old Antiques. A Price that can't be beat.

He still loved the scent that filled this old store. It was the smell of oak wood. He ran his hand across the desk he had admired for awhile now, he guessed he would never get it now. The place would be closed up and boarded if Cara went to jail. He had hoped to had saved enough money for it by their anniversary next month, to buy it.

He rubbed his nose and remembered the other smell that was mixed with the wood smell. It had been here ever since he could remember, Lime. He looked at the old rocking chair where he and Cara sat at the floor of Old man Wilsons feet as Sarah served him lemonade with fresh lime slices, just like they both loved. Gary and Cara never could drink it, she always made them a pitcher without the limes.

Even as long as she had been gone, the smell was still strong, just as if she had sliced some fresh ones. Looking around the room not even knowing what he was here for he spotted a few unopened boxes behind the counter. Thinking it was probably a new shipment that came in and Cara just hadn't gotten around to opening them.

Something drew him to them anyway, one box was addressed to the store itself. The other to Cara personally. He picked it up and shook it. Nothing rattled, it sure was light. Wondering what it held, probably a wedding gift maybe or clothes for her honeymoon. Before setting it down, he had a second thought. He sniffed the air and then the box, it had a strange strong smell. Almost like, that's it he thought, Limes.

Thinking well he was holding an investigation, so he really had the right, he took his knife and opened the top of the box. The scent was really strong inside the box, it nearly took his breath away. Moving some paper packing aside, the contents took his breath for sure.

Dumping out the box on the counter he searched through the contents among the packing. There were two plane tickets for Hawaii. The deed to the house on Hickory Hill, and the store. Inside a manila envelope he dumped out stacks of cash. Flipping through it he thought it must be nearly fifty thousand here, in cold hard cash. As he flipped the bills he scratched his nose as the scent of limes was so strong.

He boxed the contents back up with the thoughts that Cara was definitely a suspect now. She was smarter than he had given her credit for. She had actually managed to get the tickets and money back and package them up to herself. He still wasn't satisfied, it just wasn't like her, he had known her too long.

Going into the office the scent was much stronger there. He ruffled through old invoices on the desk and found a book of charges. Half the people in town owed money to the store, for many years now, they were long overdue bills. But that was just like Sarah Wilson, not to worry about what people owed her or what she owed. Everyone in town knew she would get around to paying her bills, sooner or later, even so she still made an honest living.

In the top drawer of the desk he found the usual desk accessaries. Pens stapler paperclips and rubber bands and receipts. Another drawer held some paid bills and some unpaid ones. Under them was a hard covered book. Curiosity made him pick it up. He read the title, From the Beyond. It was an old heavily read book. He wasn't familiar with the title or the author.

Inside the front page was a handwritten note, scribbled in a weak handwriting he read.

My darling Cara Lynn.

You will always be a part of me wherever you go in life. I taught you well, and you were like my own daughter, your mother who
left you to me. Wherever you go, whatever you do remember I loved you, and remember and you can not unscramble your eggs.



Grams

Gary ran his finger over the words and he felt a breeze, or a touch of some kind, almost like a pat on the shoulder. He held up his finger, scratching his head with the other hand he was staring at the wet smeared ink on the page and the ink on his finger. "Well I be dam." He said to himself. Lightning flashed and lit up the store, a breeze came out of nowhere. A fresh breeze like fresh rain, he sniffed the air and shook his head. The air was fresh he didn't smell any scent of limes.

Gary tucked the old book under his arm and walked back out into the shop. He was ready to go home and kiss his kids goodnight as they slept. He knew Cara wouldn't mind if he borrowed the book, he would return it later, when he could give Cara some answers.

Something caught his eye as he was about to leave the store. It was something he had possibly overlooked. There was a tag attached to the knob on the desk drawer. The drawer to the old oak desk he had hoped to buy. He wondered why he hadn't seen it before. Turning the tag he gasped in disbelief as he read. SOLD TO CAPTAIN GARY HARDEN to be delivered.

Gary locked up the store and pulled his coat collar up around his neck and realized it was misting rain. He was anxious to get home and see his wife and start reading for some answers. But he wondered how he was going to close this case. Even more he wondered how he would explain to the DA who actually did murder Scott Mathews and Linda Carr. It wasn't going to be easy. But he somehow felt a relief and a sense of he was doing something right. He also felt that same touch, a light weight on his shoulder as if someone or something was patting him on the back. Gary Harden headed home as the lighting lit up the dark dampened streets.






If you read all of this, the joke is on you!!!



#5 MsRose

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Posted 30 September 2010 - 04:15 PM

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If you read all of this, the joke is on you!!!

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It's a good thing I'm lazy.

Edited by MsRose, 01 October 2010 - 10:16 AM.


#6 Mr. Hobo

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Posted 30 September 2010 - 04:22 PM

Yes King Skarl

Q: What is you make a flock of brave Chia find explore for Gadgadsbogen?
A: When it's protected her a helmet of bubbling Alstaf Poogle Chomby tashes!

#7 Foe

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Posted 30 September 2010 - 04:48 PM

Underwear.

#8 Boggart

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Posted 30 September 2010 - 04:51 PM

Thought this was about sex

*walks away*

#9 swpwrx

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Posted 30 September 2010 - 05:37 PM

how do you kno it's raining cats and dogs?


you step in a poodle!

#10 Crayon

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Posted 30 September 2010 - 05:44 PM

What do you call a bee that produces milk instead of honey?

A boo-bee (pronounced : Boobie)

#11 Hybrid49

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Posted 30 September 2010 - 06:50 PM

Worst joke in the world...



Q: What's a dog's favorite part of a tree?
A: The Bark



...I'll go jump off a bridge now

#12 gemificus

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Posted 01 October 2010 - 02:28 AM


Naded!! i did read all that and now i want to know what happens wheres the rest of it??

u guy are all pants at telling jokes i love it

#13 Derriere

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Posted 01 October 2010 - 02:33 AM

Here's one. You're pretty.






















































Ugly.

#14 nooverhere

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Posted 01 October 2010 - 02:34 AM

Whats brown and sticky........a stick :)
Classic.

#15 iomega

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Posted 01 October 2010 - 02:48 AM

Q: why was the crab pissed?

A: because the seaweed

:p

#16 sc4fps3

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Posted 01 October 2010 - 02:56 AM

You want a joke?

Justin Bieber.

I win.

#17 MsRose

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Posted 01 October 2010 - 10:18 AM

anyone who uses the word "pants" to describe something unsatisfactory is in no position to judge humor, imo.

#18 Boggart

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Posted 01 October 2010 - 10:27 AM

I was thinking it was a mistranslation from a translator :p

#19 Mishelle

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Posted 01 October 2010 - 11:06 AM

This isn't really a joke, but it's something that I found funny anyway. This was in my biopsych textbook.

"The limbic system is involved in the regulation of motivated behaviors--including the four F's of motivation: fleeing, feeding, fighting, and sexual behavior."

#20 Code

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Posted 01 October 2010 - 02:15 PM

Here's one. You're pretty.






















































Ugly.


Old.






































But i likee :D


I only know chinese jokes, anyone can read chinese here? :(

#21 Naded

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Posted 01 October 2010 - 07:46 PM

Naded!! i did read all that and now i want to know what happens wheres the rest of it??

u guy are all pants at telling jokes i love it


Haha sorry gem, I copy/pasted that from some random website :( I tried to research but it was in vain.

Here is an actual joke that I think is funny. (im not the author)
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?



#22 iloveorange

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Posted 01 October 2010 - 08:07 PM

The 19th amendment.

Old.






































But i likee :D


I only know chinese jokes, anyone can read chinese here? :(


I'm sure we all know how to use google translate. : ) fire away.

#23 Code

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Posted 02 October 2010 - 05:03 AM

sometimes is hard to get like the joke with translate :(


某天上街,见一雷人车P股写着:驾校开除,自学成才,租的车,买的证,没保险,刹车油门分不清,车祸33次,32胜1平,0败。其他车均闻风而逃


:)


#24 onlyme

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Posted 02 October 2010 - 05:19 AM

某天上街,见一雷人车P股写着:驾校开除,自学成才,租的车,买的证,没保险,刹车油门分不清,车祸33次,32胜1平,0败。其他车均闻风而逃



this one should win. definitely.

#25 Code

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Posted 02 October 2010 - 05:22 AM

omg can you read? :D


I got another one..

一天,我正在刮胡子,突然刀片坏了,便气愤地说:“唉,这破刀片,才买来几天就坏了。真气人!”
  3岁的儿子马上跑到厨房拿来菜刀递给我:“爸爸,用这个刮吧,这个结实。”

I tried using google translate and translated into english, is kinda weird :/


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